Mangala Arati

It is 4 a.m and -7C outside. "Should I wear a jacket? Welllllll its muci, I have to go on the altar, it is just a short distance..... I can brave the cold". Knock on Madhavi's door, make sure she is awake and run out the back door all the way to the temple. Barely entering, I hear the conchshell blow. I run inside....out of breath offer obeisances and ......Swish! The curtains open......

With the darkness outside, the only source of light being Krishna's effulgence from the altar I stand before them mesmerized....the slow karatals start.....
And slowly "samsara dava....nalalidha loka......" Radharani with her simple veil..her simple nosering...simply divine.....
Jagannath ever smiling.....nothing alters his smile.......you are so merciful, you let me hug you everyday on the altar when I dressed you! Where are you?
And oh my nitaicandra and gauracandra.....so merciful your gaze......

Will I ever experience this mangala arati again? When will I get to hug you Jagannath?

Attention

Nourishment is what the soul seeks
A moment of attention to grasp the music
A moment of concentration to sink into the holy name
A moment that unknowingly becomes minutes
Minutes if not hours of being engulfed
Love? Peace? Contentment?
Pale in comparison to - bliss
Bliss of Hari-nama

So dear mind! Why?
Why the mindless clapping with a vacant expression?
Why the trek through mountains of thought?
Allow that music to float across your ears
Once the boat of music enters the shores of your ears
The passenger - the holy name enters the mind
Enters the intelligence
Enters my whole being

All it takes is a moment of attention
Dear dear Gaura, bless my mind
Steady attention is all I ask....

"So this concentration of mind is very difficult in this age because mind is so agitated. Therefore force them to hear Hare Kṛṣṇa. Even they have no mind to hear, you chant loudly Hare Kṛṣṇa. They will hear. Their mind will be dragged. It is so nice thing. He hasn't got to (chuckling) concentrate. I'll force him. You see? So as soon as he hears "Kṛṣṇa," oh, he advances immediately one step." - Lecture on BG 3.18-30 -- Los Angeles, December 30, 1968

Boxes

A single word etches an indelible opinion
Impressions, opinions formed with barely a glance
What chance is there when
you are boxed and judged?

As children,the biggest mistakes written on air
to be blown away by laughter
As adults, the smallest misstep written on stone
to be lodged deep in minds

Innocence ? What's that?
Ulterior motive is a must
Charade it is since
good character does not exist

Dear dear gaura,
Let me break free of the boxes created around me
Let me love and serve indiscriminately
Let me see myself for the soul I am
Let me see others for the souls they are...

Deafening silence

I was just going through some old notes and came across an old piece that I wrote way back in 2007. Thought I'd share...



Deafening silence
Ah! The vast infinite road of life I traverse
a wistfulness overcomes me as I ponder
a wish for a straight uninterrupted road

Wistfulness morphs not into reality
Reality whispers about a fork
Even as I exclaim my protest
The dreaded split enters my vision

Clear and bright as the sunny sky
is my goal on one path
Yet the unknown tugs at my heart
"Have you not learnt the lesson yet?" mocks my mind
"Are you worthy enough" pricks my conscience

One dainty step towards the unknown
a hoard of conflicting voices overwhelm
A faint echo I hear, an echo of my soul
lost amongst a myriad of thoughts
Wisps of the echo floats away
as I grasp to hear it

Speak louder my dear soul,
Will this unknown path ever converge?
Will I see the dear familiars of my road?
Uncertainity holds me still but
Time does not pause, I ask you
"What should I do?"

I ponder on as I listen to
the deafening silence.

Limbo

Have you ever been on a roller-coaster? What do you remember most out of that experience?

Maybe you remember the deep drop. Maybe you remember your stomach in your mouth. Maybe you remember your head spinning....

What stands out most for me is the feeling of anxiety, uncertainty and anticipation as we climb up the slope. You just KNOW everything will be all right at the end of the ride but the anxiety and 'wait' for the ride to be over does not go away. Why all this roller coaster talk you ask? Well, just when I thought I had everything mapped out, I am yet again climbing this slope of the rollercoaster of life.

When I was still single - and I know a lot of my unmarried devotee girlfriends can attest to this - all the pressure to get married gave me this exact same feeling. I did not know what my future would be, who my husband would be, where I would live - so many uncertainties! I felt I was in limbo just WAITING. Just waiting for Krishna to reveal his plans. Once I got married, everything seemed perfect. I thought I knew my future...

...and then came damodar. :). Of course, just his name brings a smile to my face but he has put me back on this rollercoaster. I'm back in limbo - this time for such a LONG period! Now I am just WAITING again. Waiting for him to grow, waiting to see him crawl, waiting to see his first step, waiting to see him play karatals, waiting to see him play mridanga, waiting to see him serve devotees......waiting for a whole lot of things now!

The only thing I pray for my dear Gopinath is that when this rollercoaster ride is over, please let me be under your shelter and not Maya's.

Increasing dimensions

Bliss in Krishna consciousness comes in various forms and through various means. We are usually accustomed to experiencing bliss only in a particular way. You could be that kind of devotee who 'feels' it - that ecstasy, that pure joy, the feeling that your soul is completely drenched in satisfaction of being connected to Krishna only by book distribution, waking up early to chant rounds, an ecstatic dancing kirtan, a meditative absorbing kirtan, dressing deities, doing an arati, being involved in management during a huge festival etc etc - or a mixture of any of the above.

Being an addict to this soul-satisfying ecstasy, joy, bliss - we often tend to get attached to only that particular service which gives us this bliss. And then, like opening our eyes to a new dimension, Krishna somehow throws us into something else. According to our level of maturity, we experience the bliss slowly or immediately. But when our stubborn mind releases its claws on old attachments - oh krishna, we realize the actual meaning of the term 'ever-increasing' bliss. It is a new dimension of joy in KC. "Bliss in KC is ever-increasing".

Today, I experienced a new dimension of pleasure and satisfaction in Krishna consciousness. I did not get my usual 'high' from being absorbed in Kirtan. Nor did I realize some brilliant philosophical angle by listening to a Maharaj or senior devotee. I was not remotely connected with doing anything for the deities. I did not dance ecstatically in a super crazy kirtan. I did not make garlands.

I served the Vaishnavas.

....my soul is super-drenched in satisfaction and bliss right now. :) Thank you everyone for accepting our invitation, coming home and giving us an opportunity to experience this bliss.

Samsara

Destined I am for tears
tears of misery and helplessness
Uncontrolled tears that have no reason
Except the fact I swim in the ocean of samsara