Attention

Nourishment is what the soul seeks
A moment of attention to grasp the music
A moment of concentration to sink into the holy name
A moment that unknowingly becomes minutes
Minutes if not hours of being engulfed
Love? Peace? Contentment?
Pale in comparison to - bliss
Bliss of Hari-nama

So dear mind! Why?
Why the mindless clapping with a vacant expression?
Why the trek through mountains of thought?
Allow that music to float across your ears
Once the boat of music enters the shores of your ears
The passenger - the holy name enters the mind
Enters the intelligence
Enters my whole being

All it takes is a moment of attention
Dear dear Gaura, bless my mind
Steady attention is all I ask....

"So this concentration of mind is very difficult in this age because mind is so agitated. Therefore force them to hear Hare Kṛṣṇa. Even they have no mind to hear, you chant loudly Hare Kṛṣṇa. They will hear. Their mind will be dragged. It is so nice thing. He hasn't got to (chuckling) concentrate. I'll force him. You see? So as soon as he hears "Kṛṣṇa," oh, he advances immediately one step." - Lecture on BG 3.18-30 -- Los Angeles, December 30, 1968

Boxes

A single word etches an indelible opinion
Impressions, opinions formed with barely a glance
What chance is there when
you are boxed and judged?

As children,the biggest mistakes written on air
to be blown away by laughter
As adults, the smallest misstep written on stone
to be lodged deep in minds

Innocence ? What's that?
Ulterior motive is a must
Charade it is since
good character does not exist

Dear dear gaura,
Let me break free of the boxes created around me
Let me love and serve indiscriminately
Let me see myself for the soul I am
Let me see others for the souls they are...

Deafening silence

I was just going through some old notes and came across an old piece that I wrote way back in 2007. Thought I'd share...



Deafening silence
Ah! The vast infinite road of life I traverse
a wistfulness overcomes me as I ponder
a wish for a straight uninterrupted road

Wistfulness morphs not into reality
Reality whispers about a fork
Even as I exclaim my protest
The dreaded split enters my vision

Clear and bright as the sunny sky
is my goal on one path
Yet the unknown tugs at my heart
"Have you not learnt the lesson yet?" mocks my mind
"Are you worthy enough" pricks my conscience

One dainty step towards the unknown
a hoard of conflicting voices overwhelm
A faint echo I hear, an echo of my soul
lost amongst a myriad of thoughts
Wisps of the echo floats away
as I grasp to hear it

Speak louder my dear soul,
Will this unknown path ever converge?
Will I see the dear familiars of my road?
Uncertainity holds me still but
Time does not pause, I ask you
"What should I do?"

I ponder on as I listen to
the deafening silence.

Limbo

Have you ever been on a roller-coaster? What do you remember most out of that experience?

Maybe you remember the deep drop. Maybe you remember your stomach in your mouth. Maybe you remember your head spinning....

What stands out most for me is the feeling of anxiety, uncertainty and anticipation as we climb up the slope. You just KNOW everything will be all right at the end of the ride but the anxiety and 'wait' for the ride to be over does not go away. Why all this roller coaster talk you ask? Well, just when I thought I had everything mapped out, I am yet again climbing this slope of the rollercoaster of life.

When I was still single - and I know a lot of my unmarried devotee girlfriends can attest to this - all the pressure to get married gave me this exact same feeling. I did not know what my future would be, who my husband would be, where I would live - so many uncertainties! I felt I was in limbo just WAITING. Just waiting for Krishna to reveal his plans. Once I got married, everything seemed perfect. I thought I knew my future...

...and then came damodar. :). Of course, just his name brings a smile to my face but he has put me back on this rollercoaster. I'm back in limbo - this time for such a LONG period! Now I am just WAITING again. Waiting for him to grow, waiting to see him crawl, waiting to see his first step, waiting to see him play karatals, waiting to see him play mridanga, waiting to see him serve devotees......waiting for a whole lot of things now!

The only thing I pray for my dear Gopinath is that when this rollercoaster ride is over, please let me be under your shelter and not Maya's.

Increasing dimensions

Bliss in Krishna consciousness comes in various forms and through various means. We are usually accustomed to experiencing bliss only in a particular way. You could be that kind of devotee who 'feels' it - that ecstasy, that pure joy, the feeling that your soul is completely drenched in satisfaction of being connected to Krishna only by book distribution, waking up early to chant rounds, an ecstatic dancing kirtan, a meditative absorbing kirtan, dressing deities, doing an arati, being involved in management during a huge festival etc etc - or a mixture of any of the above.

Being an addict to this soul-satisfying ecstasy, joy, bliss - we often tend to get attached to only that particular service which gives us this bliss. And then, like opening our eyes to a new dimension, Krishna somehow throws us into something else. According to our level of maturity, we experience the bliss slowly or immediately. But when our stubborn mind releases its claws on old attachments - oh krishna, we realize the actual meaning of the term 'ever-increasing' bliss. It is a new dimension of joy in KC. "Bliss in KC is ever-increasing".

Today, I experienced a new dimension of pleasure and satisfaction in Krishna consciousness. I did not get my usual 'high' from being absorbed in Kirtan. Nor did I realize some brilliant philosophical angle by listening to a Maharaj or senior devotee. I was not remotely connected with doing anything for the deities. I did not dance ecstatically in a super crazy kirtan. I did not make garlands.

I served the Vaishnavas.

....my soul is super-drenched in satisfaction and bliss right now. :) Thank you everyone for accepting our invitation, coming home and giving us an opportunity to experience this bliss.

Samsara

Destined I am for tears
tears of misery and helplessness
Uncontrolled tears that have no reason
Except the fact I swim in the ocean of samsara

First and second loves.

It's funny how everyone here in Damodardesh associate Kirtans with me.

This was the scene in Atlanta:

It is Saturday around 9a.m after the morning program. Time for Mrdanga class with Vedasara.

"Where is Anuradha?"
"She is in the pujari making garlands..."

It is the Sunday feast night and you can see and hear all the smiles and 'haribols' going back and forth. It is 'socializing' time......that is prasadam time.

"Where is Anuradha"?
"Oh she is on the altar with Madhavi helping her do the evening service"

(Yup, Madhavi always maganged to lure me to help her on the altar even though it was not my day to do evening seva :) ......and i'll always be grateful for that!)

It is time for the Sunday night kirtans. And I would be scrubbing the altar or putting away necklaces, earrings as Uttam Prabhu drowned everyone in Mayapur mellows :) Oh I would also completely lose myself in UttamPrabhu's transcendental tunes......but I would be doing so in the pujari room as the holy names waft in through the doors.

(Shhhh....but it also used to be my excuse.... "Can you help us wash these pots?", "Nope, sorry, have to do the evening arati!" :D )

It was quite hard for me in Dubai initially. No temple. No Deities. What seva would I do? Now I realize my immaturity during my 'depressed' days. My only solace was turning to my second love - Kirtans.

When I was talking to Mandali recently in Chowpatty, she expressed that one of her realizations when she wasn't able to do as much deity worship in India, was that it was an opportunity to internalize deity worship. Women can't be on the altar doing abhishek, but who can stop you offering a manasa abhishek to Krishna?! :)

And I realized another aspect of deity worship! What I was doing as my 'second' love in Damodardesh was really just another aspect of my first love. So now, I regularly peform deity worship in Damodardesh. I regularly serve the deities - the deities of the holy name. Kirtan is a beautiful way of internalizing worship. Getting absorbed in Kirtan, meditating on his form with the holy name just engulfing you.... Staying in Damodardesh has opened my eyes to another beautiful form of the Lord - his transcendental name....

"Nama-bhajana is not bound by any rule—the holy name is beyond all virtuous acts—He is spiritual—He is virility and luster in a person. All the Vedas have been manifested from this holy name. The holy name is bliss, the holy name is ananda. We can excellently be devoted to Him. The holy name is worship and is to be worshiped; Your feet are to be held in veneration. "

- Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakur, Hari Nama-cintamani

Kirtaniya sada hari... :)