Dhamvasi or spiritual warrior?

Question: I feel that sometimes staying in the dham is like spiritual sense gratification. You can hear the holy name 24/7, see devotees everywhere, get to do so much service, get wonderful association all the time. So I sometimes feel a little selfish if I have this desire to stay in the dham. Preaching in the material world is such an austerity. It is so hard to live outside the dham, deal with karmis all the time and preach. So how do we follow the mission of prabhupad while dealing with this desire to stay in the dham?

Answer by H.G Pankajhangri Prabhu: (paraphrased)

Well, staying in the dham is definitely spiritual sense gratification. It is wonderful to stay in the dham. But this sense gratification is the true sense gratification. The gratification we get in the material world is not real. But if we sacrifice this pleasure and go out and preach taking up this austerity, we become very very dear to Lord Chaitanya.

At the same time, it is very important to visit the dham to recharge. Which is why Prahbupad organized the Gaura Purnima festival and other festivals. We have to come to the dham once a year and recharge our batteries and go back out in the battlefield to preach.

Those who are really weak, then Krishna says, "Ok you can stay back here" I'm exposing my own weakness here :) I'm not personally so strong to go out and preach in the material world. So we get to stay back here :)

So I have been in the spiritual world for the last 12 days. Every moment was memorable but not every moment can be described by words unfortunately. I have written down a few beautiful moments such as the one above which I'll post as soon as I get a chance to.

The endless cycle.

Futility engraves itself in every move
Get hit by a tsunami, become a loner among friends,
diseases knocking on your door,
Sadly nothing makes you realize,
the futility of this endless cycle.

My cowherd boy

Tears trickle across my cheek
a divine voice singing across my ears
emotions welling up my heart
If just a mortal voice is so heart-rendering
How will your transcendental voice be
O bluish tinged cowherd boy?

Condensed Milk

It was the occasion of BB Govinda maharaj's vyasa puja and going by the Indian tradition of serving others on your b'day, Maharaj served us (here in Damodardesh) all by leading the most soothing, divine, ecstatic, mindblowing, [insert synonym of amazing here] kirtan I've heard.

As I looked out beyond the stage, there was a row of tall skyscrapers that stood dazzling against the starry night sky. And as the mridanga beats reached a crescendo, we danced our hearts out in the chilly night air. So I'm thinking, how strange it is to be dancing to the holy names in front of skyscrapers instead of beautiful forms of the deities that I'm generally used to dancing in front of.....

That train of thought followed to thinking actually how fortunate I am to be part of a sankirtan yatra where the holy name is our deity and the devotees carry it everwhere with them. No really....we went to a park on a picnic for New Years. We decided to play Antakshari (a game usually with two teams, with each team singing a song starting with the letter that the other team's song ended with). Our antakshari was of course very ingeniously played with bhajans and shlokas! Yes shlokas....and the way all these devotees just spit out(or rather sang out) shlokas was amazing.....

Speaking of the holy name, I just remembered Dravida prabhu during the Mayapur festival used to give these amazing poetic translations of verses. This one was my favorite about the holy name...

radheti-nama nava-sundara-sidhu-mugdham

krsneti-nama madhuradbhuta-gadha-dugdham

sarva-ksanam surabhi-raga-himena-ramyam
krtva tadaiva piba me rasane ksud-arte

"An excellent fresh nectar drink with endless subtle tastes,
such is the name of Radha by whom all three worlds are graced.
Condensed milk that is wonderfully delicious, thick and sweet
Such is the name of Krishna in whom all attractions meet.
Now mix these drinks, o thirsty tongue, and add the fragrant ice of love.
A prize the wise will try to buy at any price
And then, at every moment, drink these beverages most fine
and make my heart supremely blissful, peaceful, and divine "

- Stavavalli, Raghunath Das Goswami

Yupp.....I can definitely get heady on this condensed milk, especially if souls like H.H BB Govinda Maharaj give it!

The pendulam of my mind.

Last year this time: Ecstatic kirtans wafting in from the temple into our room making their presence felt with the slight vibrations under our feet... Ma (Goverdhan Lila mataji) and me sitting and wondering how it is the new year already. Almost ritualistically we used to talk about how inconcievably fortunate we are to be in the dham (me more so, since I got to hear her lovely realizations to hear almost every other evening).

This year this time: Annoying, ice-cream van sounding phone's constant ringing wafting into my room as I write this. "MT container has to be picked up from LG Yard, Arshad....Take the Bill of entry from Jaymurugan at Customs..... Prakash, are you still inside the port?"

And yet......

" .... the trees in Vrindavan do not grow straight up. The taller they grow, the further they get from Krishna's lotus footprints, so ...the branches bend down. As they bend down, they create a tiny room almost.....Vrindavan forests full of these rooms called kunja...." (paraphrased)
- HG Sarvabhauma Prabhu, 26th December 2008, Damodardesh

How can I not experience the beauty of the dham when such devotees describe it so sweetly, you can taste the nectar? How can I complain about not being in the dham when I get the association of many such wonderful devotees here every week?

And then....

I can't hear the holy name 24/7 though... There is no soft glow of the deities at 4:30 in the morning with the most soothing, "Samsara dava...nalalidha loka....."

Sigh,

cancalam hi manah krsna
pramathi balavad drdham
tasyaham nigraham manye
vayor iva su-duskaram

"For the mind is restless, turbulent, obstinate and very strong, O Krsna, and to subdue it is, it seems to me, more difficult than controlling the wind."

This post is so random...just like my mind.

Mud and baths.

One sound wave to awake
the buried layers of memory
Memories that burn, tickle, soothe...
Gently does it probe and question
the essence of myself

Who was I? Who am I?
Thoughts full of superiority
because we lived in 'pigeonholes'
surrounded by plastic and
fed a 'modern' education,

Religion? Ha! No sir, not me
I'm a 21st century woman..
Full of scorn for 'hindu rituals'
and the nasal sounding, bhajan clapping
'ignorant' white haired ancients of our families....

Drops of pleasure trickled from
viewing on a big screen, the life of another...
vying for, acquiring transient objects...
from branches of those relationships
destined to flow different streams

But now, drowning in oceans of pleasure
from a simple clap during kirtan
from the very same 'rituals' ...
Smell of incense, ghee lamps and flowers
sacred hymns that stir a whirlpool of
satisfaction and pleasure that the self drowns in...

Who was I? A soul wallowing and enjoying in ignorance the muddy marshes of the world

Who am I? A really grimy muddy soul trying to take a shower.

....all because you placed the bhakti bija in me, my dear gurumaharaj...

oḿ ajñāna-timirāndhasya

jñānāñjana-śalākayā
cakṣur unmīlitaḿ yena
tasmai śrī-gurave namaḥ

"I was born in the darkest ignorance, and my spiritual master opened my eyes with the torch of knowledge. I offer my respectful obeisances unto him"
Please get well soon.... please....

Knock Knock Knock....

"Whatever Krishna said, that is good,and everything else bad. Bas. Our confusion is finished."
Srila Prabhupada, Bhubaneshwar, January 23, 1977

Such a simple statement.....yet so hard to follow. The first problem lies in discerning exactly what Krishna said stripping away all the layers of the mind, personal interpretations, motivations etc. that cover it. After we understand to an extent what Krishna's instructions are, we come to the problem of following it single-mindedly despite the distractions, lures and charms of Maya. Solution?

Determination, perseverance and patience.

Even if we follow all the principles, rules & regulation doggedly for thousands of years, it is only by the mercy of Krishna that we can understand his instructions and actually follow them. There was this beautiful story I had come across that illustrates this point beautifully.....

Several students were living and practicing spiritual discipline under their Guru in an ashram. A time came one day when several of those students reached a stage of mystic attainment (yoga-siddhi) where they could read the ‘Book of Eternal Life’ embedded in the AkAsha. There were two columns - those souls who were to be liberated, and those who were to be damned once again. The contents shocked them: Their own Guru’s name was listed in the category of the unredeemed. Seeing this, many of these students left the ashram without a word, in dismay. Even some students who didn’t have that vision left when their more advanced godbrothers told them about this common vision that many of them had.

After a couple of days, this old Guru noticed that the attendance to his classes had dropped and wondered aloud where all the students had gone. Very few had stayed back: A tiny section of those who had that vision stayed back because they felt sympathy and love for their Teacher, and a sense of indebtedness to him. After all, it was only under his instruction that they had even managed to reach this stage of mystic perception. There were also a couple of other students who hadn’t had that vision, but decided to stay back merely because of some human affection for this elderly man they called Guru.

One of the mystically endowed students spoke up, and told the Guru what had happened, and how most of his brightest and most advanced students had decided to quietly leave. On hearing this, tears welled up in their teacher’s eyes, and in a humble voice choked with repentance he confided: “For 40 years I have been staring at that page of the Book of Life, in despair. But what else can I do except repeatedly knock at the Door of God? Is there anywhere else in the universe I can go? So everyday I continue to knock at my Master’s door, repeatedly, with hope.”

At that very moment, those students saw in their mind’s eye that their Guru’s name was lifted from the column of the Damned and moved to the column of the Chosen. It was the greatest lesson they had learned in all their student years in the ashram.

yam evaisa vrnute
tena labhyas tasyaisa
atma vivrnute tanum svam
"He (God) is obtained only by one to whom He chooses to reveal Himself. To such a person He manifests His own form (tanum svam).” (Mundaka Upanisad 3.2.3)

....and I will keep knocking on your door, O Gopinath.