Deafening silence

I was just going through some old notes and came across an old piece that I wrote way back in 2007. Thought I'd share...



Deafening silence
Ah! The vast infinite road of life I traverse
a wistfulness overcomes me as I ponder
a wish for a straight uninterrupted road

Wistfulness morphs not into reality
Reality whispers about a fork
Even as I exclaim my protest
The dreaded split enters my vision

Clear and bright as the sunny sky
is my goal on one path
Yet the unknown tugs at my heart
"Have you not learnt the lesson yet?" mocks my mind
"Are you worthy enough" pricks my conscience

One dainty step towards the unknown
a hoard of conflicting voices overwhelm
A faint echo I hear, an echo of my soul
lost amongst a myriad of thoughts
Wisps of the echo floats away
as I grasp to hear it

Speak louder my dear soul,
Will this unknown path ever converge?
Will I see the dear familiars of my road?
Uncertainity holds me still but
Time does not pause, I ask you
"What should I do?"

I ponder on as I listen to
the deafening silence.

Limbo

Have you ever been on a roller-coaster? What do you remember most out of that experience?

Maybe you remember the deep drop. Maybe you remember your stomach in your mouth. Maybe you remember your head spinning....

What stands out most for me is the feeling of anxiety, uncertainty and anticipation as we climb up the slope. You just KNOW everything will be all right at the end of the ride but the anxiety and 'wait' for the ride to be over does not go away. Why all this roller coaster talk you ask? Well, just when I thought I had everything mapped out, I am yet again climbing this slope of the rollercoaster of life.

When I was still single - and I know a lot of my unmarried devotee girlfriends can attest to this - all the pressure to get married gave me this exact same feeling. I did not know what my future would be, who my husband would be, where I would live - so many uncertainties! I felt I was in limbo just WAITING. Just waiting for Krishna to reveal his plans. Once I got married, everything seemed perfect. I thought I knew my future...

...and then came damodar. :). Of course, just his name brings a smile to my face but he has put me back on this rollercoaster. I'm back in limbo - this time for such a LONG period! Now I am just WAITING again. Waiting for him to grow, waiting to see him crawl, waiting to see his first step, waiting to see him play karatals, waiting to see him play mridanga, waiting to see him serve devotees......waiting for a whole lot of things now!

The only thing I pray for my dear Gopinath is that when this rollercoaster ride is over, please let me be under your shelter and not Maya's.