The pendulam of my mind.

Last year this time: Ecstatic kirtans wafting in from the temple into our room making their presence felt with the slight vibrations under our feet... Ma (Goverdhan Lila mataji) and me sitting and wondering how it is the new year already. Almost ritualistically we used to talk about how inconcievably fortunate we are to be in the dham (me more so, since I got to hear her lovely realizations to hear almost every other evening).

This year this time: Annoying, ice-cream van sounding phone's constant ringing wafting into my room as I write this. "MT container has to be picked up from LG Yard, Arshad....Take the Bill of entry from Jaymurugan at Customs..... Prakash, are you still inside the port?"

And yet......

" .... the trees in Vrindavan do not grow straight up. The taller they grow, the further they get from Krishna's lotus footprints, so ...the branches bend down. As they bend down, they create a tiny room almost.....Vrindavan forests full of these rooms called kunja...." (paraphrased)
- HG Sarvabhauma Prabhu, 26th December 2008, Damodardesh

How can I not experience the beauty of the dham when such devotees describe it so sweetly, you can taste the nectar? How can I complain about not being in the dham when I get the association of many such wonderful devotees here every week?

And then....

I can't hear the holy name 24/7 though... There is no soft glow of the deities at 4:30 in the morning with the most soothing, "Samsara dava...nalalidha loka....."

Sigh,

cancalam hi manah krsna
pramathi balavad drdham
tasyaham nigraham manye
vayor iva su-duskaram

"For the mind is restless, turbulent, obstinate and very strong, O Krsna, and to subdue it is, it seems to me, more difficult than controlling the wind."

This post is so random...just like my mind.

Mud and baths.

One sound wave to awake
the buried layers of memory
Memories that burn, tickle, soothe...
Gently does it probe and question
the essence of myself

Who was I? Who am I?
Thoughts full of superiority
because we lived in 'pigeonholes'
surrounded by plastic and
fed a 'modern' education,

Religion? Ha! No sir, not me
I'm a 21st century woman..
Full of scorn for 'hindu rituals'
and the nasal sounding, bhajan clapping
'ignorant' white haired ancients of our families....

Drops of pleasure trickled from
viewing on a big screen, the life of another...
vying for, acquiring transient objects...
from branches of those relationships
destined to flow different streams

But now, drowning in oceans of pleasure
from a simple clap during kirtan
from the very same 'rituals' ...
Smell of incense, ghee lamps and flowers
sacred hymns that stir a whirlpool of
satisfaction and pleasure that the self drowns in...

Who was I? A soul wallowing and enjoying in ignorance the muddy marshes of the world

Who am I? A really grimy muddy soul trying to take a shower.

....all because you placed the bhakti bija in me, my dear gurumaharaj...

oḿ ajñāna-timirāndhasya

jñānāñjana-śalākayā
cakṣur unmīlitaḿ yena
tasmai śrī-gurave namaḥ

"I was born in the darkest ignorance, and my spiritual master opened my eyes with the torch of knowledge. I offer my respectful obeisances unto him"
Please get well soon.... please....

Knock Knock Knock....

"Whatever Krishna said, that is good,and everything else bad. Bas. Our confusion is finished."
Srila Prabhupada, Bhubaneshwar, January 23, 1977

Such a simple statement.....yet so hard to follow. The first problem lies in discerning exactly what Krishna said stripping away all the layers of the mind, personal interpretations, motivations etc. that cover it. After we understand to an extent what Krishna's instructions are, we come to the problem of following it single-mindedly despite the distractions, lures and charms of Maya. Solution?

Determination, perseverance and patience.

Even if we follow all the principles, rules & regulation doggedly for thousands of years, it is only by the mercy of Krishna that we can understand his instructions and actually follow them. There was this beautiful story I had come across that illustrates this point beautifully.....

Several students were living and practicing spiritual discipline under their Guru in an ashram. A time came one day when several of those students reached a stage of mystic attainment (yoga-siddhi) where they could read the ‘Book of Eternal Life’ embedded in the AkAsha. There were two columns - those souls who were to be liberated, and those who were to be damned once again. The contents shocked them: Their own Guru’s name was listed in the category of the unredeemed. Seeing this, many of these students left the ashram without a word, in dismay. Even some students who didn’t have that vision left when their more advanced godbrothers told them about this common vision that many of them had.

After a couple of days, this old Guru noticed that the attendance to his classes had dropped and wondered aloud where all the students had gone. Very few had stayed back: A tiny section of those who had that vision stayed back because they felt sympathy and love for their Teacher, and a sense of indebtedness to him. After all, it was only under his instruction that they had even managed to reach this stage of mystic perception. There were also a couple of other students who hadn’t had that vision, but decided to stay back merely because of some human affection for this elderly man they called Guru.

One of the mystically endowed students spoke up, and told the Guru what had happened, and how most of his brightest and most advanced students had decided to quietly leave. On hearing this, tears welled up in their teacher’s eyes, and in a humble voice choked with repentance he confided: “For 40 years I have been staring at that page of the Book of Life, in despair. But what else can I do except repeatedly knock at the Door of God? Is there anywhere else in the universe I can go? So everyday I continue to knock at my Master’s door, repeatedly, with hope.”

At that very moment, those students saw in their mind’s eye that their Guru’s name was lifted from the column of the Damned and moved to the column of the Chosen. It was the greatest lesson they had learned in all their student years in the ashram.

yam evaisa vrnute
tena labhyas tasyaisa
atma vivrnute tanum svam
"He (God) is obtained only by one to whom He chooses to reveal Himself. To such a person He manifests His own form (tanum svam).” (Mundaka Upanisad 3.2.3)

....and I will keep knocking on your door, O Gopinath.

Harer namaiva kevalam...

Vijaya, " Are there any distinctions between krsna-nama and krsna-svarupa?"
Raghunatha dasa Babaji, "The answer is negative, there are no differences whatsoever. However, there is one unique, even mystical feature in this subject: Harinama is more merciful than krsna-svarupa. Offences committed against krsna-svarupa are never forgiven by Krsna; however, offences against both krsna-svarupa and krsna-nama are both very kindly absolved by the mercy of harinama..." - Chp 23, Jaiva Dharma, Bhaktivinod Thakur



On the same note, here is a really nice outline by Ravindrasvarup Prabhu on Japa

On a more personal note, I once went to a palm reader while I was in Mayapur. The only sane advice I could gather from 45 minutes of time that could have been spent more productively ( not to mention the Rs 250 'dakshina'), was: "ALL your problems will be solved if you finish chanting your rounds before 8:00 am in the morning". (No duh!)True. Very Very true. So true that when he said it, a lizard went 'ch ch' (or whatever sounds lizards make).

So yeah, still need to achieve that goal and chant good japa. They should hold a japa workshop here in Dubai. Hmmmm... will suggest and see.

Dhamvasis

I was told that you should write down your realizations as soon as you have them or they soon disappear from your mind. Keeping this in mind, I did jot down a few of them when I was in Mayapur. The following is one of my journal entries from when I was there, January 2008.

An old lady pays her obeisances to Lord Nrshingadev. Her sari looks so old and raggedy. Her skinny bone structure belies the possibility that she might not have eaten for days. Her sari looks a century old and could definitely use a wash.
She gets up slowly after prostrating before the Lord....slowly unties a knot at the end of her sari. She pulls out a dirty , very muci looking plastic bag where she has coins. She slowly takes one out and drops it into the hundi box. Why am I so unfortunate to be born in a sophisticated environment where I am taught to question everything and look for the logic? Just because I chant everyday, love doing service, study bhagavad gita I think I am pious, devotional and religious. Hah! Do I really have the simple conviction that these pious villagers have? They seem ordinary....their condition seems pitiful, but .... I envy them. I envy their simple pure conviction in the supreme. I envy their pious religiousity that makes them give whatever little they have to the husband of the goddess of fortune.

I know Krishna is the supreme personality of godhead. I really do, and I am convinced of this fact. But, like BVP maharaj was saying the other day - when the doorbell is ringing, baby is crying, milk is boiling off the stove, one phone on the ear...even amongst all that juggling, when you know that Krishna is the supreme, that is when you have true conviction. It is quite unfortunate that I am not at that level where if I get into a car accident or fall or something like that, the first word out of my mouth would not be Nrshingadev. Conviction is when even your instinct follows Krishna.

I think for most people who join the movement including me, when I study and read about Krishna, his pastimes, his energies, although we know and accept it....subtly it is two different worlds. Definitely for me, there was a solid line dividing Krishna's spiritual world and the material world we live in. When I meditate on Krishna or his pastimes, it would definitely be Krishna in the spiritual realm. For all of these pious and fortunate souls, this line does not exist. Krishna is not looking down from above in his realm or comes down to visit every now and then....
He IS here..this is part of him. Fortunately for me, by being in Mayapur this line is becoming finer and finer :)

"Blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves...

.....for we shall never cease to be amused!" :D

LOL! Scrubs is priceless at times....