The pendulam of my mind.

Last year this time: Ecstatic kirtans wafting in from the temple into our room making their presence felt with the slight vibrations under our feet... Ma (Goverdhan Lila mataji) and me sitting and wondering how it is the new year already. Almost ritualistically we used to talk about how inconcievably fortunate we are to be in the dham (me more so, since I got to hear her lovely realizations to hear almost every other evening).

This year this time: Annoying, ice-cream van sounding phone's constant ringing wafting into my room as I write this. "MT container has to be picked up from LG Yard, Arshad....Take the Bill of entry from Jaymurugan at Customs..... Prakash, are you still inside the port?"

And yet......

" .... the trees in Vrindavan do not grow straight up. The taller they grow, the further they get from Krishna's lotus footprints, so ...the branches bend down. As they bend down, they create a tiny room almost.....Vrindavan forests full of these rooms called kunja...." (paraphrased)
- HG Sarvabhauma Prabhu, 26th December 2008, Damodardesh

How can I not experience the beauty of the dham when such devotees describe it so sweetly, you can taste the nectar? How can I complain about not being in the dham when I get the association of many such wonderful devotees here every week?

And then....

I can't hear the holy name 24/7 though... There is no soft glow of the deities at 4:30 in the morning with the most soothing, "Samsara dava...nalalidha loka....."

Sigh,

cancalam hi manah krsna
pramathi balavad drdham
tasyaham nigraham manye
vayor iva su-duskaram

"For the mind is restless, turbulent, obstinate and very strong, O Krsna, and to subdue it is, it seems to me, more difficult than controlling the wind."

This post is so random...just like my mind.

Mud and baths.

One sound wave to awake
the buried layers of memory
Memories that burn, tickle, soothe...
Gently does it probe and question
the essence of myself

Who was I? Who am I?
Thoughts full of superiority
because we lived in 'pigeonholes'
surrounded by plastic and
fed a 'modern' education,

Religion? Ha! No sir, not me
I'm a 21st century woman..
Full of scorn for 'hindu rituals'
and the nasal sounding, bhajan clapping
'ignorant' white haired ancients of our families....

Drops of pleasure trickled from
viewing on a big screen, the life of another...
vying for, acquiring transient objects...
from branches of those relationships
destined to flow different streams

But now, drowning in oceans of pleasure
from a simple clap during kirtan
from the very same 'rituals' ...
Smell of incense, ghee lamps and flowers
sacred hymns that stir a whirlpool of
satisfaction and pleasure that the self drowns in...

Who was I? A soul wallowing and enjoying in ignorance the muddy marshes of the world

Who am I? A really grimy muddy soul trying to take a shower.

....all because you placed the bhakti bija in me, my dear gurumaharaj...

oḿ ajñāna-timirāndhasya

jñānāñjana-śalākayā
cakṣur unmīlitaḿ yena
tasmai śrī-gurave namaḥ

"I was born in the darkest ignorance, and my spiritual master opened my eyes with the torch of knowledge. I offer my respectful obeisances unto him"
Please get well soon.... please....

Knock Knock Knock....

"Whatever Krishna said, that is good,and everything else bad. Bas. Our confusion is finished."
Srila Prabhupada, Bhubaneshwar, January 23, 1977

Such a simple statement.....yet so hard to follow. The first problem lies in discerning exactly what Krishna said stripping away all the layers of the mind, personal interpretations, motivations etc. that cover it. After we understand to an extent what Krishna's instructions are, we come to the problem of following it single-mindedly despite the distractions, lures and charms of Maya. Solution?

Determination, perseverance and patience.

Even if we follow all the principles, rules & regulation doggedly for thousands of years, it is only by the mercy of Krishna that we can understand his instructions and actually follow them. There was this beautiful story I had come across that illustrates this point beautifully.....

Several students were living and practicing spiritual discipline under their Guru in an ashram. A time came one day when several of those students reached a stage of mystic attainment (yoga-siddhi) where they could read the ‘Book of Eternal Life’ embedded in the AkAsha. There were two columns - those souls who were to be liberated, and those who were to be damned once again. The contents shocked them: Their own Guru’s name was listed in the category of the unredeemed. Seeing this, many of these students left the ashram without a word, in dismay. Even some students who didn’t have that vision left when their more advanced godbrothers told them about this common vision that many of them had.

After a couple of days, this old Guru noticed that the attendance to his classes had dropped and wondered aloud where all the students had gone. Very few had stayed back: A tiny section of those who had that vision stayed back because they felt sympathy and love for their Teacher, and a sense of indebtedness to him. After all, it was only under his instruction that they had even managed to reach this stage of mystic perception. There were also a couple of other students who hadn’t had that vision, but decided to stay back merely because of some human affection for this elderly man they called Guru.

One of the mystically endowed students spoke up, and told the Guru what had happened, and how most of his brightest and most advanced students had decided to quietly leave. On hearing this, tears welled up in their teacher’s eyes, and in a humble voice choked with repentance he confided: “For 40 years I have been staring at that page of the Book of Life, in despair. But what else can I do except repeatedly knock at the Door of God? Is there anywhere else in the universe I can go? So everyday I continue to knock at my Master’s door, repeatedly, with hope.”

At that very moment, those students saw in their mind’s eye that their Guru’s name was lifted from the column of the Damned and moved to the column of the Chosen. It was the greatest lesson they had learned in all their student years in the ashram.

yam evaisa vrnute
tena labhyas tasyaisa
atma vivrnute tanum svam
"He (God) is obtained only by one to whom He chooses to reveal Himself. To such a person He manifests His own form (tanum svam).” (Mundaka Upanisad 3.2.3)

....and I will keep knocking on your door, O Gopinath.

Harer namaiva kevalam...

Vijaya, " Are there any distinctions between krsna-nama and krsna-svarupa?"
Raghunatha dasa Babaji, "The answer is negative, there are no differences whatsoever. However, there is one unique, even mystical feature in this subject: Harinama is more merciful than krsna-svarupa. Offences committed against krsna-svarupa are never forgiven by Krsna; however, offences against both krsna-svarupa and krsna-nama are both very kindly absolved by the mercy of harinama..." - Chp 23, Jaiva Dharma, Bhaktivinod Thakur



On the same note, here is a really nice outline by Ravindrasvarup Prabhu on Japa

On a more personal note, I once went to a palm reader while I was in Mayapur. The only sane advice I could gather from 45 minutes of time that could have been spent more productively ( not to mention the Rs 250 'dakshina'), was: "ALL your problems will be solved if you finish chanting your rounds before 8:00 am in the morning". (No duh!)True. Very Very true. So true that when he said it, a lizard went 'ch ch' (or whatever sounds lizards make).

So yeah, still need to achieve that goal and chant good japa. They should hold a japa workshop here in Dubai. Hmmmm... will suggest and see.

Dhamvasis

I was told that you should write down your realizations as soon as you have them or they soon disappear from your mind. Keeping this in mind, I did jot down a few of them when I was in Mayapur. The following is one of my journal entries from when I was there, January 2008.

An old lady pays her obeisances to Lord Nrshingadev. Her sari looks so old and raggedy. Her skinny bone structure belies the possibility that she might not have eaten for days. Her sari looks a century old and could definitely use a wash.
She gets up slowly after prostrating before the Lord....slowly unties a knot at the end of her sari. She pulls out a dirty , very muci looking plastic bag where she has coins. She slowly takes one out and drops it into the hundi box. Why am I so unfortunate to be born in a sophisticated environment where I am taught to question everything and look for the logic? Just because I chant everyday, love doing service, study bhagavad gita I think I am pious, devotional and religious. Hah! Do I really have the simple conviction that these pious villagers have? They seem ordinary....their condition seems pitiful, but .... I envy them. I envy their simple pure conviction in the supreme. I envy their pious religiousity that makes them give whatever little they have to the husband of the goddess of fortune.

I know Krishna is the supreme personality of godhead. I really do, and I am convinced of this fact. But, like BVP maharaj was saying the other day - when the doorbell is ringing, baby is crying, milk is boiling off the stove, one phone on the ear...even amongst all that juggling, when you know that Krishna is the supreme, that is when you have true conviction. It is quite unfortunate that I am not at that level where if I get into a car accident or fall or something like that, the first word out of my mouth would not be Nrshingadev. Conviction is when even your instinct follows Krishna.

I think for most people who join the movement including me, when I study and read about Krishna, his pastimes, his energies, although we know and accept it....subtly it is two different worlds. Definitely for me, there was a solid line dividing Krishna's spiritual world and the material world we live in. When I meditate on Krishna or his pastimes, it would definitely be Krishna in the spiritual realm. For all of these pious and fortunate souls, this line does not exist. Krishna is not looking down from above in his realm or comes down to visit every now and then....
He IS here..this is part of him. Fortunately for me, by being in Mayapur this line is becoming finer and finer :)

"Blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves...

.....for we shall never cease to be amused!" :D

LOL! Scrubs is priceless at times....

Bullock cart ride anyone??

I was around 6 or 7 years old I think. It was in our old house in Karama. I decided it was time I looked through and sorted out our family albums ( or mess it up rather ). I came across this one particular picture that brought tears to my 6 year old eyes...
I went running to my mom whining more than crying, "Maaaa....Look at this picture!! IT IS NOT FAIR!!!".

My puzzled mom looked at the picture and continued to be puzzled, "What? What happened?"

And with all the righteous indignation I could muster,
"How come you took my BROTHER on a bullock cart but you never took ME on one....sniff!?!"

My mom and a couple of neighbors she was with just burst out laughing while little me was standing there wondering what in the world was so funny when I felt so betrayed!

The picture was of my mom, brother (who was born 11 yrs before me) and cousin sis-in-law (yeah we have a lot of extended family) on a bullock cart with my brother trying to handle the bullocks.

Now as I mull on about the lecture given by Nand Prabhu on Varnasrama and farm communites ( Side note: Excellent lecture really....he made wild cheetahs around the farm sound like cute little adorable cats you can play with ;D. He also made riding on a bullock cart sound like go-karting or something! Hence the bullock cart anecdote), I wonder if I have it in me to live simply and I mean SIMPLE SIMPLE in a village on a farm...producing your own cloth, no cell phones, no electricity, growing your own food...the works!

I mean I've always had an inclination really to villages and village life. My last visit to India just held me in pure fascination for ways of life and things in my dad's old village and farms...




Milking a cow..... :D An 'interesting' experience...








Climbing a haystack is quite fun. Should be on your list of things to do in life.....










Eating coconut chutney that is ground on a stone grinding mortar has this taste that none of your blenders, Sumit or Preeti grinders can duplicate......
Btw, my arm muscles were screaming in pain after attempting to grind the chutney for 2 minutes. My kind aunt took over taking pity on the poor city weakling that I am... :|








My cousin's kids educating this ignorant on the proper way to stoke a fire.... That was my bath water boiling by the way so I could have hot water to take a bath. :)







Mmmm......freshly churned butter from milk! My aunt is such an expert, it takes her only around 10 minutes to churn the milk that produces the butter that is transformed into the most fragrant and tastiest ghee that I've ever eaten....



I really loved every minute of living there with my family, breathing in the fresh air, seeing green fields all around, having fresh food. But can I do it everyday for life? Maybe....sounds like fun really.....heck I'm still young! I can afford to try it out.....

BUT...one question pops into my mind. Please forgive my vanity.....but how in the world will I wax? and thread my eyebrows?

Escape escape.....

Dostana is supposedly a hit at the box office. That makes me so sad that I have to resort to chocolate to emotionally uplift myself or maybe I'll just listen to some Aindra...


People ( and I mean sane people) generally like a movie because they can relate to the characters in it. A sad state the society has come to if they relate to such vapid and insubstantial characters like the ones in Dostana. No really, has Karan Johar even heard of the term character development? Or maybe it was the 'sexy' bodies of Priyanka chopra and John Abraham that people (and I mean lusty animals by that) got gratified by... god, get some depth in personality people/poor excuses of human beings!

Shoot me before I indulge in escapism of this sort again. I'm going to stick to indulging in my favorite (yeah America's spoilt me.....used to be favourite) escapist pastime of kirtans and Krsna's pastimes. Though it is escapism relative to this world we live in....it is the absolute reality after all.

One of my favorite tunes.......ahh I can drown in this tune..... It sounds like singing on a boat on some river or something....

Tangible Mercy

Obviously one of my first posts has to be about Mayapur....

Indistinct are the matter and living on this land
Appear it does - rock as rock, stone as stone, water as water
But breathing in this air day after day
Visible and tangible life becomes on this holy land

Sound and smell of life forms passes on to the inert
Smell of the dust of the dham, waves of the ganga
the ringing bells, resounding conchshells....
Life permeates everything....

What musical notes do these lifeforms sing?
Straining to hear them - they slowly form a melody
Melody that is the mercy of Gauranga
Once you hear it, then you smell it-feel it, see it, drown in it...

When will I drown again in these waves of mercy?
Walk again on the dust touched by Nitai?
See the dust and trail of a thousand devotees
admist fields that witnessed the ecstacy of Jiva Goswami?

O Mayapur, embodiment of audarya.... call me back.

nähaà vasämi kailäse
na tvaà vasasi mad-gåhe
na devä divi tiñthanti
åñayo na vane vane

sarve vayaà navadvépe
tiñthämaù prema-lälasäù
gaura gaureti gäyantaù
saìkértana-parä bhuvi

" I do not reside in Kailasa. You do not reside in my home. The demigods do not stay in the upper planets. The sages do not stay in the forest. We all stay in Navadvipa. Overwhelmed with love, we perform sankirtana, singing "Gaura! Gaura!" in the earthly sphere." - Text 18-19, Pramana Khanda, Navadvip Dham Mahatmaya

Genesis

My attempt at jotting down random thoughts. Really random. Really really really random. :)