Clouds.

Deafening silence

2011-04-30T18:04:00.003+04:00

I was just going through some old notes and came across an old piece that I wrote way back in 2007. Thought I'd share...

Deafening silence
Ah! The vast infinite road of life I traverse
a wistfulness overcomes me as I ponder
a wish for a straight uninterrupted road

Wistfulness morphs not into reality
Reality whispers about a fork
Even as I exclaim my protest
The dreaded split enters my vision

Clear and bright as the sunny sky
is my goal on one path
Yet the unknown tugs at my heart
"Have you not learnt the lesson yet?" mocks my mind
"Are you worthy enough" pricks my conscience

One dainty step towards the unknown
a hoard of conflicting voices overwhelm
A faint echo I hear, an echo of my soul
lost amongst a myriad of thoughts
Wisps of the echo floats away
as I grasp to hear it

Speak louder my dear soul,
Will this unknown path ever converge?
Will I see the dear familiars of my road?
Uncertainity holds me still but
Time does not pause, I ask you
"What should I do?"

I ponder on as I listen to
the deafening silence.

Limbo

2011-01-26T21:40:00.005+04:00

Have you ever been on a roller-coaster? What do you remember most out of that experience?

Maybe you remember the deep drop. Maybe you remember your stomach in your mouth. Maybe you remember your head spinning....

What stands out most for me is the feeling of anxiety, uncertainty and anticipation as we climb up the slope. You just KNOW everything will be all right at the end of the ride but the anxiety and 'wait' for the ride to be over does not go away. Why all this roller coaster talk you ask? Well, just when I thought I had everything mapped out, I am yet again climbing this slope of the rollercoaster of life.

When I was still single - and I know a lot of my unmarried devotee girlfriends can attest to this - all the pressure to get married gave me this exact same feeling. I did not know what my future would be, who my husband would be, where I would live - so many uncertainties! I felt I was in limbo just WAITING. Just waiting for Krishna to reveal his plans. Once I got married, everything seemed perfect. I thought I knew my future...

...and then came damodar. :). Of course, just his name brings a smile to my face but he has put me back on this rollercoaster. I'm back in limbo - this time for such a LONG period! Now I am just WAITING again. Waiting for him to grow, waiting to see him crawl, waiting to see his first step, waiting to see him play karatals, waiting to see him play mridanga, waiting to see him serve devotees......waiting for a whole lot of things now!

The only thing I pray for my dear Gopinath is that when this rollercoaster ride is over, please let me be under your shelter and not Maya's.

Increasing dimensions

2010-08-20T00:41:00.002+04:00

Bliss in Krishna consciousness comes in various forms and through various means. We are usually accustomed to experiencing bliss only in a particular way. You could be that kind of devotee who 'feels' it - that ecstasy, that pure joy, the feeling that your soul is completely drenched in satisfaction of being connected to Krishna only by book distribution, waking up early to chant rounds, an ecstatic dancing kirtan, a meditative absorbing kirtan, dressing deities, doing an arati, being involved in management during a huge festival etc etc - or a mixture of any of the above.

Being an addict to this soul-satisfying ecstasy, joy, bliss - we often tend to get attached to only that particular service which gives us this bliss. And then, like opening our eyes to a new dimension, Krishna somehow throws us into something else. According to our level of maturity, we experience the bliss slowly or immediately. But when our stubborn mind releases its claws on old attachments - oh krishna, we realize the actual meaning of the term 'ever-increasing' bliss. It is a new dimension of joy in KC. "Bliss in KC is ever-increasing".

Today, I experienced a new dimension of pleasure and satisfaction in Krishna consciousness. I did not get my usual 'high' from being absorbed in Kirtan. Nor did I realize some brilliant philosophical angle by listening to a Maharaj or senior devotee. I was not remotely connected with doing anything for the deities. I did not dance ecstatically in a super crazy kirtan. I did not make garlands.

I served the Vaishnavas.

....my soul is super-drenched in satisfaction and bliss right now. :) Thank you everyone for accepting our invitation, coming home and giving us an opportunity to experience this bliss.

Samsara

2010-07-12T21:19:00.003+04:00

Destined I am for tears
tears of misery and helplessness
Uncontrolled tears that have no reason
Except the fact I swim in the ocean of samsara

First and second loves.

2010-01-10T21:10:00.003+04:00

It's funny how everyone here in Damodardesh associate Kirtans with me.

This was the scene in Atlanta:

It is Saturday around 9a.m after the morning program. Time for Mrdanga class with Vedasara.

"Where is Anuradha?"
"She is in the pujari making garlands..."

It is the Sunday feast night and you can see and hear all the smiles and 'haribols' going back and forth. It is 'socializing' time......that is prasadam time.

"Where is Anuradha"?
"Oh she is on the altar with Madhavi helping her do the evening service"

(Yup, Madhavi always maganged to lure me to help her on the altar even though it was not my day to do evening seva :) ......and i'll always be grateful for that!)

It is time for the Sunday night kirtans. And I would be scrubbing the altar or putting away necklaces, earrings as Uttam Prabhu drowned everyone in Mayapur mellows :) Oh I would also completely lose myself in UttamPrabhu's transcendental tunes......but I would be doing so in the pujari room as the holy names waft in through the doors.

(Shhhh....but it also used to be my excuse.... "Can you help us wash these pots?", "Nope, sorry, have to do the evening arati!" :D )

It was quite hard for me in Dubai initially. No temple. No Deities. What seva would I do? Now I realize my immaturity during my 'depressed' days. My only solace was turning to my second love - Kirtans.

When I was talking to Mandali recently in Chowpatty, she expressed that one of her realizations when she wasn't able to do as much deity worship in India, was that it was an opportunity to internalize deity worship. Women can't be on the altar doing abhishek, but who can stop you offering a manasa abhishek to Krishna?! :)

And I realized another aspect of deity worship! What I was doing as my 'second' love in Damodardesh was really just another aspect of my first love. So now, I regularly peform deity worship in Damodardesh. I regularly serve the deities - the deities of the holy name. Kirtan is a beautiful way of internalizing worship. Getting absorbed in Kirtan, meditating on his form with the holy name just engulfing you.... Staying in Damodardesh has opened my eyes to another beautiful form of the Lord - his transcendental name....

"Nama-bhajana is not bound by any rule—the holy name is beyond all virtuous acts—He is spiritual—He is virility and luster in a person. All the Vedas have been manifested from this holy name. The holy name is bliss, the holy name is ananda. We can excellently be devoted to Him. The holy name is worship and is to be worshiped; Your feet are to be held in veneration. "

- Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakur, Hari Nama-cintamani

Kirtaniya sada hari... :)

Gopidots

2009-12-15T08:16:00.002+04:00

Gopidots.
Scent of rosewater making me heady
bathing your glowing white body
The silence of the altar
Hum of the mahamantra
It is just you and me
as I play with your skirts
Which earrings would you like today ?

The ache is back my dear Rani
Is some of that mercy saved for me?
One desire.
One day again....just to hold that brush
be absorbed in those patterns.......just to paint gopidots on your moonlike face.....When?

Forgive!

2009-11-16T21:06:00.000+04:00

"We brahmanas are worshipable by others only due to our quality of forgiveness. It is through this quality of forgiveness that Lord Brahma has achieved the post of master of the entire universe. The Supreme Personality of Godhead Lord Hari, the remover of obstacles, becomes pleased with those who are forgiving. Forgiveness is illuminating like the sun, and cultivation of this quality is the brahmana’s duty.”

- Srimad Bhagavatam 9.15.39 - 41

You think you have forgiven and forgotten and then the bad taste in your mouth creeps in along with all the memories of unpleasantness and distress. Brahmana? Ha.

Thread of the holy name

2009-10-14T00:08:00.002+04:00

Meshed in my short sightedness
Influenced by expectations
Lamentations of ignorance
a thread of sanity holding me
the thread of the holy names
Hope binds this thread to me
Hope that this thread will lead
to that world of Krishna prema...

trinad api sunicena

taror api sahishnuna

amanina manadena

kirtaniyah sada harihi

"One should chant the holy name of the Lord in a humble state of mind, thinking oneself lower than the straw in the street; one should be more tolerant than a tree, devoid of all sense of false prestige, and should be ready to offer all respect to others. In such a state of mind one can chant the holy name of the Lord constantly."

Chant.Chant.Chant.

Leisure Pleasure

2009-09-20T15:56:00.002+04:00

lei·sure: : freedom provided by the cessation of activities; especially : time free from work or duties

I have been missing this little noun for eons now. Finally I've caught a hold of this elusive little thing today - today being a holiday for Eid. This is such an interesting definition of leisure. Are we ever free from activity? The very nature of the soul is to be active so where do you draw the line between activities that count as work and activities that count as pleasure? When we engage in activies of pleasure, it becomes leisure.

In yesterday's program, Yadav prabhu made such beautiful points. He mentioned that one of the Radha raman pujaris from Vrindavan once said that, "Krishna gives himself to us in our old age, if we give him our youth".

And then I realized how I'm slowly crossing this stage of 'youth'. After my wedding in December, my day is just going to get busier. I will have officially become an adult with so many responsibilities to juggle. How to juggle? How do I immerse myself in the Lord's name, pastimes, service with a household to take care of? How am I going to give my youth to Krishna, when I am struggling with paperwork, phonecalls etc from dawn to dusk?

Well, here is where I get lucky :) Even though the world seems to get too big to handle, my day seems filled with meangingless phonecalls and paperwork - offering all this to Krishna makes it seem so much lighter at the end of the day. Leisure? Well, who needs it when you are blissful in your busy day anyway. Trick is to link my meaningless paperwork to Krishna.......well not so successful sometimes, but I'm getting there. It's going to get easier to do this when I have a half hour of kirtan together with family to look forward to. Or 15 minutes of Bhagavatam reading. And really, the light at the end of the tunnel - Mayapur.

Thank you Nitai. For everything. :)

Tired.

2009-08-24T20:08:00.004+04:00

A small number, four seems
Only four defects innate within
Miseries untold it causes
Incapability overwhelms me
binds me

Cause of misery to one entity?
No. Helplessly I am led to
cause misery to millions
Only four defects they are.

I am tired Nitai
tired of this bad bargain
tired of my conditionings
tired of my imperfect service.

Unqualified, yet I beg
to make that day mine
when your form, glories and name
become inseparable from my breath...
inseparable from my mind...
inseparable from ME...

Two monsters

2009-08-16T00:16:00.003+04:00

Two monsters

I begged, borrowed and stole
that mercy caused by serving your lotus feet
Undeserving, I blissfully swam in that ocean
drinking in and savoring the taste of spiritual bliss

Carelessness. Ungratefulness.
The two ugly monsters that dwell within
Devoured the little mercy that came my way
Not a glimpse of the spiritual bliss they reveal
Those horrible monsters shadow everything

People say, "Its the thought and love that counts"
A friend said, "True love ensures its perfection that counts"
Perfection does not happen when endeavors
are tainted with those monsters of mine
Prabhupad gave us the panacea - Chant!

Lamentably this vicious cycle entangles me
What to do if my endeavor to chant
is also shadowed by these ugly monsters?
Hence my plea to you Gopinath....

Focus, concentration and sincerity.
Slowly but steadily the monsters will be slain
if your names are chanted with
Focus, concentration and sincerity,

O gopinath,
Help me chant
Help me purify myself
Help me slay these monsters
Help me my dear Gopinath....

"...another kind of distraction occurs when one is too eager to complete the fixed number of holy names even at the sacrifice of quality. One must therefore always insure that he chants his rounds sincerely. Also, one should better improve the quality of his chanting rather than try to increase his daily number of rounds for show. The name of the Lord should be always be pronounced distinctly. Only by the grace of the Lord can this be achieved. Thus one should pray to the Lord that he never falls victim to the wiles of the illusion of distraction, and that he can continue to taste the full nectar of the holy name." - Srila Bhaktivinod Thakur, Sri Harinama Cintamani

FOLK - Friends of Lord Krishna : Damodardesh

2009-08-01T10:14:00.005+04:00

We just finished Nrsimha Arati and were sitting down to eat our prasad, plan our next kartal lesson, exchanging tunes, enjoying some Maha prasad and so on when Sri Vallabh prabhu with his commanding presence walked in.

"Are we all ready to start our Janmastami meeting?" his voice resounded in Flat 607.

We all quickly finished whatever was left of our sandwiches and meekly sat down on one side in a group of 10 eagerly anticipating what sevas we would get to do on one of the most auspicious days in our Vaishnava calendar.

"So what can the youth get into? " And Sri vallabh prabhu started suggesting a few sevas. And in his usual humorous manner he encouraged us,
"All you youth should take up everything, get into it and takeover. Let us baldies and oldies take a seat back. What say everyone? Shouldn't we let the youth takeover?"

And then came the damper on our enthusiasm and eagerness, "Prabhu, I don't think they are ready yet, they need to be held back a little. Their sins need to be purified first"

Honestly, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Thankfully Sri Vallabh prabhu immediately retorted with, "They are held by Krishna and by doing seva they will automatically get cleansed. We cannot wait for the waves to stop before going for a swim."

I feel extremely sorry that we have potrayed such an image.
I feel sorry that I have such a big false ego which got a blow.

There are so many sincere souls in the youth who deserve to be encouraged and nurtured in KC rather than be discouraged. I humbly request senior devotees to take the time to find out about so many of us who have the spark of KC and just need a little fanning

I offer my obeisances to all of the youth from who I learn something new every week as I associate with them:

Laxmi - her devotion to her deities ? She is a perfect example of a true pujari. Her eagerness to serve, to cook for the devotees, to preach to all the youth, her passion to learn kirtans and sing........

Samiksha - who started chanting 16 rounds since she's been back from Mayapur. Who shed tears as she was leaving....how many of us can shed a tear for the holy dham in seperation?

Natasha - who voluntarily transcribes Radhanath Swami's lectures online for iskcondesiretree.com. How much nectar does she absorb by doing this service?? Who is so eager for a kirtan program, to chant to advance in KC to serve, to preach...

Namrata (chotrani) - who tirelessly arranges for prasadam EVERY week for the youth class... who is everready to serve in whatever way she can....

Namrata (keshwani) - on whose mind Krishna constantly dances :) in the form of kirtans, quotes , you tube videos ...... someone whose enthusiasm rubs off on me when I see her.....

Ashish - who has taken up to KC and chanting like lighting fire to dry wood. In the short few months, he's already handling the book table, accounts ...learning Mrdanga from Yadav prabhu (oh yeah we're getting our band ready :)) been to Mayapur.......

Vicky prabhu - who tirelessly comes to class every Friday just to enthuse all of us in kirtan and share his wonderful knowledge.

Sneha aka Bunty :) - who never misses associating with us, responsibly handles her seva and tirelessly calls up every one of us every week to attend programs

Pavan - who is our little pujari :) His love for Radha Madhav - something I need to get an ounce of. I still remember how excited and ecstatic he was when I got him some Tulasi from the feet of Madhava from Mayapur....

Simi - who has gone through a lot of harships materially and has constantly been attracted to Krishna and is another example of fire to dry wood...

Roshni - who always keeps the class alive by asking questions :) Her excellent presentations and videos... Her sincerity to read Prahbupad's books and gain knowledge....

Keshavi - who has definitely been a devotee in her past life :) She grasps playing instruments and singing kirtans so easily!

and of course the backbone of our class - H.G Vasudev Gopal Das :) who at the age of 12 was the only boy in children's class who did not raise his hand up when Sri Vallabh prabhu asked everyone, "who wants to be liberated and go back to Krishna?"
why?
"Because..." He answered, "If all the devotees go back to Krishna then who will stay back and tell about Krishna to others?"
My full dandavats to you VGD for contantly working to preach to spread Prabhupad's movement among us disillusioned youth in Dubai.

And my gratitude goes out to Sri Vallabh prabhu, Nand Prabhu and ESPECIALLY Shuba mataji for creating this opportunity for all of youth to come together every week and inspire each other to progress in KC.

Dandavats!

P.S: I've written this in one shot and apologize to all the youth whom I have left out! If I have left you out then please come and do seva for youth class and Janmastami so your name will be up there right next to VGD ;)

Bedtime insecurities

2009-06-26T23:36:00.005+04:00

There are a few things about Krishna that just hold me in complete fascination that I just start gushing about my fascinations and discoveries about Krishna's personality and pastimes to everyone! If you've met me and known me for a decent period of time, then you've probably heard this from me already.

When Madhavi first told me this on the altar, I just exclaimed ! "How adorable!" So what every Radha Krishna pujari would know and most other devotees would not know is that, the Lord of the Universe, the controller of everything moving and non-moving, THE Supreme personality of Godhead......sleeps with his flute under his pillow! :)

i.e The pujari who puts the deities to sleep at night usually takes Krishna's flute and keeps it under his pillow physically. I've heard a couple of reasons for this but the official ones from Jananivas prabhu are:

1) The flute is sooo dear to Kanha that he does not want to be separated from it since it is with the flute that he controls the gopis

2) The gopis know that with this flute Kanha controls them so they are always looking to steal his flute. He keeps it under his pillow for protection

Endearing!

nadyas tadā tad upadhārya mukunda-gītam āvarta-lakṣita-manobhava-bhagna-vegāḥ ālińgana-sthagitam ūrmi-bhujair murārer gṛhṇanti pāda-yugalaḿ kamalopahārāḥ

"When the rivers hear the flute-song of Krishna, their minds begin to desire Him, and thus the flow of their currents is broken and their waters are agitated, moving around in whirlpools. Then with the arms of their waves the rivers embrace Murari's lotus feet and, holding on to them, present offerings of lotus flowers."
- Srimad Bhagavatam 10.21.15

Disappointment

2009-06-07T16:16:00.003+04:00

Perfection is what I sought
Perfection is what I thought I found

Perfection does not enter this world
Perfection yet is sought for in souls

Perfection's quest welcomes disappointment
Perfection only lies with you - Gopinath!

Smile please?

2009-05-26T17:23:00.003+04:00

"When a devotee with all his heart and soul serves Krsna, dresses him in nice garments and gives him a flower, Krsna smiles. If you can get Krishna to smile upon you just once, your life's goal is fulfilled." - Srila Prabhupad, Lecture SB 3.25.12, 12th November, 1974

Vishaka mataji's girirajji

As my eyes took in the slow dawn of day
my fingers felt the soft wood
bead by bead - transcendental wood of tulsidevi
My mind the wonderful traveller
a thousand places did it visit

A thread of desire was visited and explored
Memories entangled with that thread
of gopi dots, peacock feathers, ghee lamps
of chandan, mukut pieces, chadars
caused that familiar longing
longing to serve your beautiful deity form...

How can I ever anticipate that sweet mercy of yours?
"Anuradha? Can you come paint and dress up my girirajji?"
Amazement and wonder continues to be my friend
as your mercy continues to flow...

Smile please?

Thunder !

2009-05-16T22:46:00.002+04:00

The sweetest sounds to mortals given Are heard in Mother, Home, and Heaven. ~William Goldsmith Brown

Definitely in heaven!

Of all the descriptions given in the scriptures about Krishna, the one I have most trouble visualizing or conceptualizing in my mind are the sounds of the spiritual world. The one thing I yearn most to hear... Krishna's flute, the cakora birds, the koyal, the peacocks, and of course the 'deep resounding thunderlike' voice of Krishna.

"Krishna's deep voice resounds like a rumbling cloud and his tinkling ornaments allure the ears...." - Chapter 6, Gayatri Mahima Madhuri

This quote about his voice was a little hard to find. I used to wonder and wonder if there are any descriptions about Krishna's voice and then I chanced upon this when I was reading the Gayatri book. But there are countless about his ever enchanting, mesmerizing flute playing :)

"..Krishna's flute vibrates eight different tunes. Demigods like Lord Brahma and Lord Siva break their meditation and forget everything when the first tune pierces their ears. Lord Siva stops playing his din-din drum. Lord Brahma sits astonished on his lotus flower, and Lord Ananta Sesa begins swaying hypnotically.
The second tune makes the Yamuna flow backwards.
The moon stops moving upon hearing the third tune.
Cows run up to Krishna, and stand motionless with upraised ears to drink the nectar of the fourth tune.
The fifth note brings the gopis madly running-eager for Krishna's love.
The sixth tune creates autumn, replete with juicy fruits and rich foliage
Stones melt when caressed by this note
The seventh note instantly ushes in all six seasons manifesting their full splendor with gentle, sensous southern breezes carrying the perfumed aromas of fresh forest flowers.

The eighth note of Syama's seductive flute takes the name of Radha...."

Well I don't know whether it is going to take me lifetimes or just this lifetime to hear what I yearn to hear but one thing is for sure.... all my yearnings for sounds of the spiritual world is COMPLETELY satisfied by .....

Ching Ching Chinggg....
Ching Ching Chinggg....

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare...
Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare...

Yess.....those soul stirring kirtans that just teases those senses of ours with visions of the spiritual world and incomparable bliss...

Atma Nivedana

2009-05-10T16:35:00.000+04:00

A devotee once told me,
" We offer so many services to Krishna......we offer him garlands, we make prasad and offer it, we offer our kirtans, our bhajans yet in the process of offering him all these services, we forget to offer him ourselves! "
Krishna accepts anything offered with love but all he is really looking for is YOU. And that is the hardest thing to offer. The false ego of me, mine never lets us actually do this. Every activity we do, each and every step and action we take in our lives, from bathing, eating, studying.....everything is geared towards one goal......satisfy the self.

We can classify every action as geared towards
1) Sense pleasure
2) Intelligence & Mind pleasure
3) False ego pleasure

Think about it....every small thing we do can be classified under these things. Even devotional service. When I make garlands, it satisfies my senses to see the beautiful flowers, satisfies my intelligence to arrange it in a pattern, and finally satisfies my ego when somebody says, 'oh what a beautiful garland you've made!'. Even though, I'm making it for Krishna, this tinge of ego pleasure never goes away. I would say that ego pleasure is the hardest to overcome. Whatever service we do, the sense of the self doing it hardly goes away....
(I am of course talking about common neophyte devotees like me and not elevated souls where can see actual 'selfless service')

Now you can argue that if even devotional service is performed to satisfy the material senses and ego then why do it? Well.....the only answer I have for this is to ask you to actually spend a day doing service. Yes, my ego is being satisfied, my intelligence is being satisfied when I listen to a good lecture or read sound philosophy, my senses are being satisfied when I listen to beautiful, heartmoving kirtans and bhajans.......yet, at the end of the day, when I go home....when I get a moment to ponder on my pleasure and enjoyment, I realize, this pleasure is something much much deeper.......it is the pleasure of the satisfaction of the soul....:)

Jaggu Dada...

2009-04-26T22:21:00.005+04:00

So, since I've been caught up dealing with a million different emotions and new situations and new life etc., I just realized today how I miss writing. Yet, I'm still caught up with other things to write anything decent....but I still want to post something so here is something short I had written during my initial days when I first got my brahmana initiation and went on the altar...

Dear Jagannath...
The throbbing feet I can ignore,
sacrifice my precious world of snore,
the burns, the cuts, the bruises
all I can dismiss away as excuses
to see your beautiful smile on the altar...my merciful Jagannath

P.S: The burns were from cooking, the cuts from making garlands (I always found a way to bruise my skin with the needle and cut my self with scissors and the bruises from banging myself on random things like doors, tables and chairs as I ran from the altar to the pujari to finish dressing by darshan. I attribute all this to the burning away my karma of deity worship offenses on the altar :)

Of Resolve and branches

2009-03-08T20:05:00.003+04:00

Resolve a fickle entity you are
choose you I do duped by your exterior strength
of brick and stone you appear to be made
Rashly do I place you in my heart and mind

Little did my intelligence know
of the enmity between you and my heart
Senses chip away at those bricks
siding with my heart

O mind! I plead my case to you
heed my words that paint the future
our best interests is to reinforce these bricks
for all I want to do is to serve my guru...

Become my friend O mind
let us dwell not on these temporary branches
but on eternal topics that would
soothe the heart and senses.....Krishna.

Good night...

2009-03-08T15:04:00.004+04:00

It is funny how we devotees always can find something to occupy ourselves with. If I was a karmi, staying here at the ayurvedic center I would have left screaming for being bored out of my mind. Benefits of being a devotee, Radha rati mataji and me are occupying ourselves with singing kirtans, reading the Bhagavatam (we have an aim to finish the first canto before we leave) and generally exchanging our realizations.

Last night I was particularly lamenting on my separation from Panihati Dham and the deities there. Deity worship is something that I miss truly from the core of my heart. You have to be a pujari to know what I'm talking about....a pujari who has no deities at the moment to serve. A small temple like Panihati dham where during the weekdays, it is just you and the deities....prabhupad singing softly in the main temple room, there is so much bliss that it really hurts knowing that it is highly impossible for me to go back to that kind of service.

Prabhupad's bhajans are the most soothing sounds in this world. Getting absorbed in Prabhupad's deep voice, removing Panihati candra's mukut pieces, scrubbing gopi dots off of Madan mohan, giving jagannath some fresh water for the night, sweeping and mopping the altar with some eucalyptus oil.....

Bringing in their beds....tucking Krishna's flute under his pillow...

"agaccha sayana-sthanam priyabhih saha kesava divya-puspatya-sayyayam sukham vihara madhava"

"Now come, O Kesava, along with Your beloved Srimati Radharani and Her friends, to the bed covered with transcendental, aromatic flowers. Now happily enjoy Your pastimes, O Madhava."

and then chanting the respectful mantras for everyone else , switch off the lights on the altar,
and then whisper a,
"Good night...".....and slowly tiptoe out the back locking the doors...

...until I see them the next morning glowing softly for Mangala arati....

So, Caitanya Mahāprabhu is very kind. Parama karuna, pahū dui jana. Two Lords, Nitāi-Gauracandra, Nityānanda Prabhu and Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu, They are very kind, you see? They have appeared just to reclaim the fallen souls of this age. So They are more kind than Krishna. Krishna, He is also very kind. He comes to deliver. But Kṛṣṇa demands that first of all surrender. Caitanya Mahāprabhu even does not demand surrender. He is so kind. (voice choking) So take shelter of Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu and be happy. Thank you very much. (weeping) (end)

-Srila Prabhupada, Arrival Address, February 28, 1975, Atlanta, Georgia.

You made Prabhupada weep...will I ever gaze at your merciful eyes again? scrub the chandan off your feet?....

A conversation overheard...

2009-03-01T08:53:00.006+04:00

I am writing this sitting steps away from that Krishna
That Kanha whose lotus eyes are said to have been carved by Vishvakarma himself
Lotus eyes indeed! They look mesmerizing through Kanakadasa's window!
Feeling the breeze, hearing the melodious birds, leaves rustling

A conversation I overhear....

Radha: "Who taps on My door with one finger?"
Krsna: " O crooked girl, it is Madhava."
Radha: "Madhava is a name of spring. Has springtime come knocking on my door?"
Krsna: "Certainly not! It is the holder of the Sudarsana wheel"
Radha: "Potters hold wheels. Are you a potter?"
Krsna: "I am not. I am the person who holds up the entire world."
Radha: "The forked-tongue serpent king, Ananta holds up the world. Are you he?"
Krsna: "No. I am the person who crushes serpents."
Radha: "The bird-king Garuda crushes serpents. Are you he?"
Krsna: "No! I am Lord Hari!!"

- Appreciating Sri Vrndavana Dhama, Mahanidhi Swami

How delightful right? :D

For those of you who haven't caught the clue, I am in Udupi right now... enjoying the peace, catching up on my reading!

P.S: Maha-abhishek was so intense an experience that I cannot put words to it. Mercy? The word just doesnt cover it for Gauranga....

Our dear sages...

2009-02-22T11:28:00.003+04:00

I came across a picture this morning and immediately the first thing I thought about was this verse..

"Once, in a holy place in the forest of Naimiṣāraṇya, great sages headed by the sage Saunaka assembled to perform a great thousand-year sacrifice for the satisfaction of the Lord and His devotees."

Srila Prabhupada - "....The great sages are always anxious to do good to the people in general, and as such the sages headed by Śaunaka and others assembled at this holy place of Naimiṣāraṇya with a program of performing a great and continuous chain of sacrificial ceremonies. Forgetful men do not know the right path for peace and prosperity. However, the sages know it well, and therefore for the good of all men they are always anxious to perform acts which may bring about peace in the world. They are sincere friends to all living entities, and at the risk of great personal inconvenience they are always engaged in the service of the Lord for the good of all people...."

- Srimad Bhagavatam: 1.1.4

And today, we have our dear sages who are assembled at Sridham Mayapur with the same intentions....

Photo from H.H BB Govinda Swami Maharaj's facebook album

Iskcon guru-vrinda ki jai!

Dhamvasi or spiritual warrior?

2009-01-29T10:30:00.002+04:00

Question: I feel that sometimes staying in the dham is like spiritual sense gratification. You can hear the holy name 24/7, see devotees everywhere, get to do so much service, get wonderful association all the time. So I sometimes feel a little selfish if I have this desire to stay in the dham. Preaching in the material world is such an austerity. It is so hard to live outside the dham, deal with karmis all the time and preach. So how do we follow the mission of prabhupad while dealing with this desire to stay in the dham?

Answer by H.G Pankajhangri Prabhu: (paraphrased)

Well, staying in the dham is definitely spiritual sense gratification. It is wonderful to stay in the dham. But this sense gratification is the true sense gratification. The gratification we get in the material world is not real. But if we sacrifice this pleasure and go out and preach taking up this austerity, we become very very dear to Lord Chaitanya.

At the same time, it is very important to visit the dham to recharge. Which is why Prahbupad organized the Gaura Purnima festival and other festivals. We have to come to the dham once a year and recharge our batteries and go back out in the battlefield to preach.

Those who are really weak, then Krishna says, "Ok you can stay back here" I'm exposing my own weakness here :) I'm not personally so strong to go out and preach in the material world. So we get to stay back here :)

So I have been in the spiritual world for the last 12 days. Every moment was memorable but not every moment can be described by words unfortunately. I have written down a few beautiful moments such as the one above which I'll post as soon as I get a chance to.

The endless cycle.

2009-01-17T23:03:00.001+04:00

Futility engraves itself in every move
Get hit by a tsunami, become a loner among friends,
diseases knocking on your door,
Sadly nothing makes you realize,
the futility of this endless cycle.

My cowherd boy

2009-01-12T22:36:00.001+04:00

Tears trickle across my cheek
a divine voice singing across my ears
emotions welling up my heart
If just a mortal voice is so heart-rendering
How will your transcendental voice be
O bluish tinged cowherd boy?

Condensed Milk

2009-01-06T00:06:00.006+04:00

It was the occasion of BB Govinda maharaj's vyasa puja and going by the Indian tradition of serving others on your b'day, Maharaj served us (here in Damodardesh) all by leading the most soothing, divine, ecstatic, mindblowing, [insert synonym of amazing here] kirtan I've heard.

As I looked out beyond the stage, there was a row of tall skyscrapers that stood dazzling against the starry night sky. And as the mridanga beats reached a crescendo, we danced our hearts out in the chilly night air. So I'm thinking, how strange it is to be dancing to the holy names in front of skyscrapers instead of beautiful forms of the deities that I'm generally used to dancing in front of.....

That train of thought followed to thinking actually how fortunate I am to be part of a sankirtan yatra where the holy name is our deity and the devotees carry it everwhere with them. No really....we went to a park on a picnic for New Years. We decided to play Antakshari (a game usually with two teams, with each team singing a song starting with the letter that the other team's song ended with). Our antakshari was of course very ingeniously played with bhajans and shlokas! Yes shlokas....and the way all these devotees just spit out(or rather sang out) shlokas was amazing.....

Speaking of the holy name, I just remembered Dravida prabhu during the Mayapur festival used to give these amazing poetic translations of verses. This one was my favorite about the holy name...

radheti-nama nava-sundara-sidhu-mugdham

krsneti-nama madhuradbhuta-gadha-dugdham

sarva-ksanam surabhi-raga-himena-ramyam
krtva tadaiva piba me rasane ksud-arte

"An excellent fresh nectar drink with endless subtle tastes,
such is the name of Radha by whom all three worlds are graced.
Condensed milk that is wonderfully delicious, thick and sweet
Such is the name of Krishna in whom all attractions meet.
Now mix these drinks, o thirsty tongue, and add the fragrant ice of love.
A prize the wise will try to buy at any price
And then, at every moment, drink these beverages most fine
and make my heart supremely blissful, peaceful, and divine "

- Stavavalli, Raghunath Das Goswami

Yupp.....I can definitely get heady on this condensed milk, especially if souls like H.H BB Govinda Maharaj give it!

The pendulam of my mind.

2008-12-27T17:39:00.004+04:00

Last year this time: Ecstatic kirtans wafting in from the temple into our room making their presence felt with the slight vibrations under our feet... Ma (Goverdhan Lila mataji) and me sitting and wondering how it is the new year already. Almost ritualistically we used to talk about how inconcievably fortunate we are to be in the dham (me more so, since I got to hear her lovely realizations to hear almost every other evening).

This year this time: Annoying, ice-cream van sounding phone's constant ringing wafting into my room as I write this. "MT container has to be picked up from LG Yard, Arshad....Take the Bill of entry from Jaymurugan at Customs..... Prakash, are you still inside the port?"

And yet......

" .... the trees in Vrindavan do not grow straight up. The taller they grow, the further they get from Krishna's lotus footprints, so ...the branches bend down. As they bend down, they create a tiny room almost.....Vrindavan forests full of these rooms called kunja...." (paraphrased)
- HG Sarvabhauma Prabhu, 26th December 2008, Damodardesh

How can I not experience the beauty of the dham when such devotees describe it so sweetly, you can taste the nectar? How can I complain about not being in the dham when I get the association of many such wonderful devotees here every week?

And then....

I can't hear the holy name 24/7 though... There is no soft glow of the deities at 4:30 in the morning with the most soothing, "Samsara dava...nalalidha loka....."

Sigh,

cancalam hi manah krsna
pramathi balavad drdham
tasyaham nigraham manye
vayor iva su-duskaram

"For the mind is restless, turbulent, obstinate and very strong, O Krsna, and to subdue it is, it seems to me, more difficult than controlling the wind."

This post is so random...just like my mind.

Mud and baths.

2008-12-18T22:28:00.003+04:00

One sound wave to awake
the buried layers of memory
Memories that burn, tickle, soothe...
Gently does it probe and question
the essence of myself

Who was I? Who am I?
Thoughts full of superiority
because we lived in 'pigeonholes'
surrounded by plastic and
fed a 'modern' education,

Religion? Ha! No sir, not me
I'm a 21st century woman..
Full of scorn for 'hindu rituals'
and the nasal sounding, bhajan clapping
'ignorant' white haired ancients of our families....

Drops of pleasure trickled from
viewing on a big screen, the life of another...
vying for, acquiring transient objects...
from branches of those relationships
destined to flow different streams

But now, drowning in oceans of pleasure
from a simple clap during kirtan
from the very same 'rituals' ...
Smell of incense, ghee lamps and flowers
sacred hymns that stir a whirlpool of
satisfaction and pleasure that the self drowns in...

Who was I? A soul wallowing and enjoying in ignorance the muddy marshes of the world

Who am I? A really grimy muddy soul trying to take a shower.

....all because you placed the bhakti bija in me, my dear gurumaharaj...

oḿ ajñāna-timirāndhasya

jñānāñjana-śalākayā
cakṣur unmīlitaḿ yena
tasmai śrī-gurave namaḥ

"I was born in the darkest ignorance, and my spiritual master opened my eyes with the torch of knowledge. I offer my respectful obeisances unto him"
Please get well soon.... please....

Knock Knock Knock....

2008-12-17T11:56:00.005+04:00

"Whatever Krishna said, that is good,and everything else bad. Bas. Our confusion is finished."
Srila Prabhupada, Bhubaneshwar, January 23, 1977

Such a simple statement.....yet so hard to follow. The first problem lies in discerning exactly what Krishna said stripping away all the layers of the mind, personal interpretations, motivations etc. that cover it. After we understand to an extent what Krishna's instructions are, we come to the problem of following it single-mindedly despite the distractions, lures and charms of Maya. Solution?

Determination, perseverance and patience.

Even if we follow all the principles, rules & regulation doggedly for thousands of years, it is only by the mercy of Krishna that we can understand his instructions and actually follow them. There was this beautiful story I had come across that illustrates this point beautifully.....

Several students were living and practicing spiritual discipline under their Guru in an ashram. A time came one day when several of those students reached a stage of mystic attainment (yoga-siddhi) where they could read the ‘Book of Eternal Life’ embedded in the AkAsha. There were two columns - those souls who were to be liberated, and those who were to be damned once again. The contents shocked them: Their own Guru’s name was listed in the category of the unredeemed. Seeing this, many of these students left the ashram without a word, in dismay. Even some students who didn’t have that vision left when their more advanced godbrothers told them about this common vision that many of them had.

After a couple of days, this old Guru noticed that the attendance to his classes had dropped and wondered aloud where all the students had gone. Very few had stayed back: A tiny section of those who had that vision stayed back because they felt sympathy and love for their Teacher, and a sense of indebtedness to him. After all, it was only under his instruction that they had even managed to reach this stage of mystic perception. There were also a couple of other students who hadn’t had that vision, but decided to stay back merely because of some human affection for this elderly man they called Guru.

One of the mystically endowed students spoke up, and told the Guru what had happened, and how most of his brightest and most advanced students had decided to quietly leave. On hearing this, tears welled up in their teacher’s eyes, and in a humble voice choked with repentance he confided: “For 40 years I have been staring at that page of the Book of Life, in despair. But what else can I do except repeatedly knock at the Door of God? Is there anywhere else in the universe I can go? So everyday I continue to knock at my Master’s door, repeatedly, with hope.”

At that very moment, those students saw in their mind’s eye that their Guru’s name was lifted from the column of the Damned and moved to the column of the Chosen. It was the greatest lesson they had learned in all their student years in the ashram.

yam evaisa vrnute
tena labhyas tasyaisa
atma vivrnute tanum svam
"He (God) is obtained only by one to whom He chooses to reveal Himself. To such a person He manifests His own form (tanum svam).” (Mundaka Upanisad 3.2.3)

....and I will keep knocking on your door, O Gopinath.

Harer namaiva kevalam...

2008-12-09T21:55:00.005+04:00

Vijaya, " Are there any distinctions between krsna-nama and krsna-svarupa?"
Raghunatha dasa Babaji, "The answer is negative, there are no differences whatsoever. However, there is one unique, even mystical feature in this subject: Harinama is more merciful than krsna-svarupa. Offences committed against krsna-svarupa are never forgiven by Krsna; however, offences against both krsna-svarupa and krsna-nama are both very kindly absolved by the mercy of harinama..." - Chp 23, Jaiva Dharma, Bhaktivinod Thakur

On the same note, here is a really nice outline by Ravindrasvarup Prabhu on Japa

On a more personal note, I once went to a palm reader while I was in Mayapur. The only sane advice I could gather from 45 minutes of time that could have been spent more productively ( not to mention the Rs 250 'dakshina'), was: "ALL your problems will be solved if you finish chanting your rounds before 8:00 am in the morning". (No duh!)True. Very Very true. So true that when he said it, a lizard went 'ch ch' (or whatever sounds lizards make).

So yeah, still need to achieve that goal and chant good japa. They should hold a japa workshop here in Dubai. Hmmmm... will suggest and see.

Dhamvasis

2008-12-08T07:09:00.005+04:00

I was told that you should write down your realizations as soon as you have them or they soon disappear from your mind. Keeping this in mind, I did jot down a few of them when I was in Mayapur. The following is one of my journal entries from when I was there, January 2008.

An old lady pays her obeisances to Lord Nrshingadev. Her sari looks so old and raggedy. Her skinny bone structure belies the possibility that she might not have eaten for days. Her sari looks a century old and could definitely use a wash.
She gets up slowly after prostrating before the Lord....slowly unties a knot at the end of her sari. She pulls out a dirty , very muci looking plastic bag where she has coins. She slowly takes one out and drops it into the hundi box. Why am I so unfortunate to be born in a sophisticated environment where I am taught to question everything and look for the logic? Just because I chant everyday, love doing service, study bhagavad gita I think I am pious, devotional and religious. Hah! Do I really have the simple conviction that these pious villagers have? They seem ordinary....their condition seems pitiful, but .... I envy them. I envy their simple pure conviction in the supreme. I envy their pious religiousity that makes them give whatever little they have to the husband of the goddess of fortune.

I know Krishna is the supreme personality of godhead. I really do, and I am convinced of this fact. But, like BVP maharaj was saying the other day - when the doorbell is ringing, baby is crying, milk is boiling off the stove, one phone on the ear...even amongst all that juggling, when you know that Krishna is the supreme, that is when you have true conviction. It is quite unfortunate that I am not at that level where if I get into a car accident or fall or something like that, the first word out of my mouth would not be Nrshingadev. Conviction is when even your instinct follows Krishna.

I think for most people who join the movement including me, when I study and read about Krishna, his pastimes, his energies, although we know and accept it....subtly it is two different worlds. Definitely for me, there was a solid line dividing Krishna's spiritual world and the material world we live in. When I meditate on Krishna or his pastimes, it would definitely be Krishna in the spiritual realm. For all of these pious and fortunate souls, this line does not exist. Krishna is not looking down from above in his realm or comes down to visit every now and then....
He IS here..this is part of him. Fortunately for me, by being in Mayapur this line is becoming finer and finer :)

"Blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves...

2008-12-06T19:44:00.005+04:00

.....for we shall never cease to be amused!" :D

LOL! Scrubs is priceless at times....

Bullock cart ride anyone??

2008-11-29T17:53:00.011+04:00

I was around 6 or 7 years old I think. It was in our old house in Karama. I decided it was time I looked through and sorted out our family albums ( or mess it up rather ). I came across this one particular picture that brought tears to my 6 year old eyes...
I went running to my mom whining more than crying, "Maaaa....Look at this picture!! IT IS NOT FAIR!!!".

My puzzled mom looked at the picture and continued to be puzzled, "What? What happened?"

And with all the righteous indignation I could muster,
"How come you took my BROTHER on a bullock cart but you never took ME on one....sniff!?!"

My mom and a couple of neighbors she was with just burst out laughing while little me was standing there wondering what in the world was so funny when I felt so betrayed!

The picture was of my mom, brother (who was born 11 yrs before me) and cousin sis-in-law (yeah we have a lot of extended family) on a bullock cart with my brother trying to handle the bullocks.

Now as I mull on about the lecture given by Nand Prabhu on Varnasrama and farm communites ( Side note: Excellent lecture really....he made wild cheetahs around the farm sound like cute little adorable cats you can play with ;D. He also made riding on a bullock cart sound like go-karting or something! Hence the bullock cart anecdote), I wonder if I have it in me to live simply and I mean SIMPLE SIMPLE in a village on a farm...producing your own cloth, no cell phones, no electricity, growing your own food...the works!

I mean I've always had an inclination really to villages and village life. My last visit to India just held me in pure fascination for ways of life and things in my dad's old village and farms...

Milking a cow..... :D An 'interesting' experience...

Climbing a haystack is quite fun. Should be on your list of things to do in life.....

Eating coconut chutney that is ground on a stone grinding mortar has this taste that none of your blenders, Sumit or Preeti grinders can duplicate......
Btw, my arm muscles were screaming in pain after attempting to grind the chutney for 2 minutes. My kind aunt took over taking pity on the poor city weakling that I am... :|

My cousin's kids educating this ignorant on the proper way to stoke a fire.... That was my bath water boiling by the way so I could have hot water to take a bath. :)

Mmmm......freshly churned butter from milk! My aunt is such an expert, it takes her only around 10 minutes to churn the milk that produces the butter that is transformed into the most fragrant and tastiest ghee that I've ever eaten....

I really loved every minute of living there with my family, breathing in the fresh air, seeing green fields all around, having fresh food. But can I do it everyday for life? Maybe....sounds like fun really.....heck I'm still young! I can afford to try it out.....

BUT...one question pops into my mind. Please forgive my vanity.....but how in the world will I wax? and thread my eyebrows?

Escape escape.....

2008-11-26T18:13:00.006+04:00

Dostana is supposedly a hit at the box office. That makes me so sad that I have to resort to chocolate to emotionally uplift myself or maybe I'll just listen to some Aindra...

People ( and I mean sane people) generally like a movie because they can relate to the characters in it. A sad state the society has come to if they relate to such vapid and insubstantial characters like the ones in Dostana. No really, has Karan Johar even heard of the term character development? Or maybe it was the 'sexy' bodies of Priyanka chopra and John Abraham that people (and I mean lusty animals by that) got gratified by... god, get some depth in personality people/poor excuses of human beings!

Shoot me before I indulge in escapism of this sort again. I'm going to stick to indulging in my favorite (yeah America's spoilt me.....used to be favourite) escapist pastime of kirtans and Krsna's pastimes. Though it is escapism relative to this world we live in....it is the absolute reality after all.

One of my favorite tunes.......ahh I can drown in this tune..... It sounds like singing on a boat on some river or something....

Tangible Mercy

2008-11-15T20:29:00.006+04:00

Obviously one of my first posts has to be about Mayapur....

Indistinct are the matter and living on this land
Appear it does - rock as rock, stone as stone, water as water
But breathing in this air day after day
Visible and tangible life becomes on this holy land

Sound and smell of life forms passes on to the inert
Smell of the dust of the dham, waves of the ganga
the ringing bells, resounding conchshells....
Life permeates everything....

What musical notes do these lifeforms sing?
Straining to hear them - they slowly form a melody
Melody that is the mercy of Gauranga
Once you hear it, then you smell it-feel it, see it, drown in it...

When will I drown again in these waves of mercy?
Walk again on the dust touched by Nitai?
See the dust and trail of a thousand devotees
admist fields that witnessed the ecstacy of Jiva Goswami?

O Mayapur, embodiment of audarya.... call me back.

nähaà vasämi kailäse
na tvaà vasasi mad-gåhe
na devä divi tiñthanti
åñayo na vane vane
sarve vayaà navadvépe
tiñthämaù prema-lälasäù
gaura gaureti gäyantaù
saìkértana-parä bhuvi

" I do not reside in Kailasa. You do not reside in my home. The demigods do not stay in the upper planets. The sages do not stay in the forest. We all stay in Navadvipa. Overwhelmed with love, we perform sankirtana, singing "Gaura! Gaura!" in the earthly sphere." - Text 18-19, Pramana Khanda, Navadvip Dham Mahatmaya

Genesis

2008-11-15T20:18:00.003+04:00

My attempt at jotting down random thoughts. Really random. Really really really random. :)